13. vice

What is the nature of the human desire to do what is not good for us -

and what defines good?

Over the past 14 months, I’ve given up alcohol, (mostly) released caffeine, cut out gluten, radically decreased my sugar intake, started moving my body every single day, and committed to better sleep hygiene.

I’ve remineralized my body, added in more greens and protein shakes, and stopped watching TV (except for whatever the kids are watching in the background).

I’m not doing this shit to be noble, though it sure sounds like it when I type it out. Actually, I am just trying to take care of my body and mind as I age, deal with the hormone fluctuations of early menopause, navigate a late diagnosis of ADHD, and struggle every fucking day to be a good mom (wait we aren’t supposed to say good mom, okay gentle - connected - present mom).

But no matter how many “bad” habits I release, no matter how many “good” habits I stack, I still find myself….

wanting.

craving.

yearning.

desiring.

hungry.

eager.

secretly (or not so secretly, because here we are talking about it) starving for vice.

So yeah, big ups to me for quitting alcohol - it’s been 14 months and I have zero desire for it - but let’s also talk about the fact that AS SOON as I let it go, I started smoking tobacco - which I haven’t done in over a decade.

OH I justified it - it’s good quality, organic, only occasional and mixed with cannabis, it’s just a friendly little spliff, not hurting anyone…

Except I found myself sneaking away during the day to smoke, hiding from my kids and feeling the toll of tobacco in my lungs and chest.

So yeah, I quit caffeine - for 9 months that is, until I decided that my adrenals were healed enough and the occasional espresso is good for the soul - so I started drinking them ON TOP OF my stimulant ADHD meds - just a friendly wee bit of speed and a chaser of caffeine.

So yeah, I don’t eat gluten now - which by the way is not because I’m fancy, but because along with hormonal shifts came a recurring yeast infection that only seemed to ease up when I quit gluten and sugar. 

So yeah, now I’m actually wondering about how wise it is to give up social media - it seems like the process of letting go of my vices, while probably benefiting my overall health, is also making me feel bored, grumpy, and frustrated with self-denial.

Last night, I was laying in front of the fire, thinking about my life choices, feeling bored and hungry for vice - any vice - so I spent an hour scrolling on threads.

Rather than nourish my hunger or fill a void, however, it just left me feeling kind of sad at how much energy is expended - by so many of us - to try to connect, be heard, be important, matter in the world, day in and day out online.

But I also felt left out. Like if I continue this project, no one’s going to give a fuck, and I’m just going to be bored, lonely, and vice-hungry, so I may as well quit now.

Then again, if I gave up during the first two weeks of releasing alcohol, I never would have felt the benefits of a year plus alcohol-free.

If I stopped within 14 days of my workout commitment, I wouldn’t be flirting with myself in the mirror so hard or feeling strong and confident in my body.

So it stands to reason that instead of giving up, I might think about changing my relationship with vice - maybe even throwing the concept out the window entirely.

I might just fuck around and reclaim the idea that my hunger is holy, my intuition is intelligent, and even my discomfort and boredom have something to teach me about cultivating wisdom.

Sometimes we don’t even know how we really feel. Words are inherently compartmentalizing, fragmenting and often disconnect us from the immediacy of our experience.

I’m not sure what I am learning about vice, but I made some art to let my unconscious mind speak. This is what it had to say:

I get to choose.

There is no vice, no good or bad, just unlimited shades of morally neutral choices about what behaviors feel good to me, and which ones simply… don’t.

I am unsubscribing from the concept of ‘guilty pleasure’ - there is just pleasure, and when we seek it, it’s usually because we need something.

I am de-villainizing social media and my use of it, and de-valorizing this long form, slow art, creative process. 

They are simply choices. I’ll keep showing up each day and making the one that feels good, and see what happens.