62. short circuit
How can a neurodivergent person explain what overstimulation feels like to someone neurotypical?
This is the question I asked myself more than once today as I struggled with a particularly potent day of short circuiting in my mental and emotional functions.
Itās become glaringly obvious that the hormonal peaks and valleys associated with my menstrual cycle play a significant role in the expression of my ADHD; most notably, in how much I notice some of the key challenges which arise as a result of my super special gifted weirdo brain.
Today is day 15 of my cycle - yes, Chicken Little day. Around day 15/16 is when the shiny peak of my ovulation phase takes a long walk off a short pier and I find myself careering towards the jagged rocks and tumultuous ocean of my luteal phase. Luckily, things even out around day 17, as I move into powerful editor-boss-no-filter mode.
The drop of 15/16, no matter how familiar I become with it, still gets me every time. Ultimately itās a time where my exquisite neuro-unpredictable sensitivity hits an all time high. Sounds are louder, lights are brighter, interpersonal relations are more confusing and complicated, and the best thing for me to do, honestly, would be just GTF away from people and spend the day roaming my own inner experience.
Iām just really easily overstimulated during this part of my cycle, it seems, and Iām writing about it because Iām trying to figure out how to explain what Iām feeling and experiencing. Every time I try to explain it to my family, it somehow comes out as an attack, as something alienating and divisive, though thatās not my intention.
I have more tension in my muscles, and sometimes when the stimuli gets too overwhelming, I enter a kind of tunnel vision, in which Iām blank to most of the details in my visual and sensory periphery. I notice myself clenching my jaw or sometimes my fists, and taking long breaths in, then letting them out with a whooshing sigh that serves as a tiny release valve for the pent up frustration and irritation within me.
Decisions become exceptionally challenging to process, as does determining the correct order for tasks. If Iām making dinner, what things do I put in the pans, and in what order? Why is there stuff all over the counter? I need to clean before I can cook, so I put some things away. Thereās too many dishcloths on the counter, so I take them to the laundry. Ah shit, I forgot the bed linens I put in the wash this morning, I need to move them. Welp, look at that, thereās clean laundry in the dryer (no surprise there) so I pull that out and take it upstairs to fold. I think about the dinner plan again - spaghetti - and it feels like an impossible task. Too many steps. I have to choose the ingredients, defrost meat, brown it, cook noodles separately, decide on a vegetable, do we need to have garlic bread? Itās too much. I stare into the open fridge, contemplating ordering Indian food. Thereās leftover beans in the fridge, and last night's salmon, sweet potatoes and rice. Maybe we should just eat leftovers.
Iām anxious now, overwhelmed, and feeling a subtle sense of shame coming on because this isnāt a big deal. This isnāt something I need to get stressed about, itās just deciding whatās for dinner. But I canāt decide, and I look at the basket of overflowing clean laundry sitting on my bed. The idea of just folding it and not eating appeals to me, but I have kids to feed. Iām pulled in different directions and I donāt like it; the irritation within me grows, and now guilt creeps in, because I can feel myself becoming dysregulated. Whatever comes out of my mouth next isnāt going to be in a nice tone.
The sounds from the TV are blaring in my ears - crashing sounds, people shouting, and itās too much. I go to Brent and ask him, too bluntly, ādo you want to cook dinner or do you want to fold laundry? My mom doesnāt want spaghetti, so should we just do leftovers? I donāt know what to do.ā I sound mad. Iām not mad. Iām just agitated, overstimulated, and short circuiting.
How do we say to someone, āmy brain isnāt working well and everything feels extremely hard and I canāt process anything or make basic simple decisions and I am really frustrated about it and also ashamed because I know youāve been doing most of the work today and thereās no logical reason for me to suddenly, today, be unable to cope with the same daily routine and household activities and experiences that I can cope with twenty four of the other twenty eight days of a moon cycleā¦ I feel on edge to the point that I want to pick a fight, maybe just so I can break down and cry and then not have to deal with any of this. But I canāt say any of this clearly because my brain is short circuiting and everything I start to say sounds bitchy and impatient and cold, and Iām not sure how to change the way my vocal cords are arranged, they just do this when Iām like this and I get that none of this makes any sense.ā
And then, if I do say that in some way that it can be received, what exactly do I want? I donāt know, and thatās another part of the problem. I think I want to be alone, but then I feel bad for ditching my beautiful family when I spend so much time āaloneā at work, school, doing my workouts, taking my walks. I think I want comfort, but Iām like a prickly porcupine with poor communication skills, who really wants a hug but asks for it by turning their back and accidentally shooting quills at everyone.
Even with medication, self-awareness, self-compassion, lots of tools for nervous system regulation, daily workouts, a nourishing diet, and a really loving family support system, there are still some days that the wires just get crossed, and Iām not firing on all cylinders. What feels hardest, and also where I most want to grow, is in learning how to care for myself when it happens so that I donāt draw everyone around me into my emotional chaos. Itās getting better, but itās still not perfect, and maybe it never will be, and maybe perfection isnāt the point. Maybe consistency isnāt the goal.
But to those out there who know how it feels to have those moments, or days, where everything is just too much - even though itās just the regular amount - and you feel annoyed at your own brainā¦ sigh. I see you. Hang in there. Tomorrow will be different (it always is) so just try to give grace - to yourself, to the ones who love you, and to your sweet, sensitive system, which is processing way more information than you can even fathom, all the time, and doing a pretty darn good job navigating this crazy, chaotic, confusing world.
Itās okay to short circuit sometimes. Just unplug and try again tomorrow.
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