105. loving witness

"Shame recedes in the presence of a loving witness," I say to myself, knocking at the door of my highest self, looking for someone to acknowledge me in my two month relapse and social media binge.

[Knock, knock.] 

Hello, self. I see you, I love you, and I’m here to listen - what’s been going on?

Well, since the first of May I have been cycling through something like a relapse. 

Relapse? Isn’t that a bit of a strong word? It feels like it’s carrying a charge of shame, like a sense of personal failure somehow. What’s that about?

Last winter, when I started this project, I was wholeheartedly committed to the closest thing I could do to what Spirit instructed - ‘a year without a phone.’ 

But starting in May, I basically abandoned the effort entirely as I let myself slide back onto social media. I justified it by saying I needed to generate income, and found myself feeling creatively inspired and like I could ride both horses; being on social media (myself, not a manager) and continuing to have intentional space beyond it to write long form and shift the patterns of addiction to scrolling and mindlessly opening or checking the app. 

It’s July 2. It’s been two months and I basically haven’t written here at all. I notice the hazy feeling in my brain that comes from consuming too much OPC (other people’s content) and it feels almost like an alcohol hangover. Like I feel low-level stupid, less articulate, less clear in my own motivations and desires, like I’m frequently reacting rather than responding - not just on that app, but in my life. Somehow allowing myself to be on there slowly degrades my ability to be present elsewhere - you know, like HERE, in my real life. 

Hmm. Yes, that does sound troubling. I hear your frustration and empathize with the pressure to produce and perform in relation to your work. It sounds like it creates a sense of being at odds with the depth of presence, slowness and responsiveness you’re aiming to cultivate. What do you think is the way forward?

[Deep breath.]

I guess that’s where the shame tries to creep in. I honestly don’t know if I have the capacity to be on Instagram in the ways that are ‘effective’ and also live my life the way I want to. Ethically, morally, and energetically, I’m not aligned with what social media does to our brains or how it drains my life force through neural hijacking. The only thing that I really DO want from it is relationships. It was nice dipping back in and feeling connected in some way to the people I love. 

Were you feeling disconnected from them in your time away from Instagram? If you were, can I ask who, exactly, you were missing?

That’s a good question. I’m not sure who exactly I was missing. I mean, I have my friends by phone and WhatsApp. The Soul Work Council is nourishing me professionally and spiritually. My school colleagues aren’t really on social, I have other ways to connect with them (like email). Obviously it’s not to reach my family. A lot of the folks who matter most to me are (or were) reading these Antisocial Social Club messages, so I guess it’s kind of non-descript who I was missing. Maybe I was just missing the attention? I mean, the dopamine hits of people liking or engaging with my content? 

That sounds like a fair observation. What has it been like to have the attention or dopamine again? What do you think that gave you?

It makes me feel like progress is happening in my work, I guess. It kind of creates a (somewhat) false perception of growth and expansion if new people follow me, or if I get a lot of comments or shares on a piece of content. But the thing is, I haven’t seen it translate directly to REAL growth. That has continued to come from direct relationships - from referrals, people sharing my work (like posts Christelle put up for me, which don’t require me to actually be on Instagram, only writing behind the scenes). I think I also dipped back in because I felt like 90 days away ‘should’ be sufficient to reset my brain. But I’m starting to wonder if the whole ‘detox, retox’ approach is of any use in the big picture and long term. 

Also, I’ve gained so much over the last year from being disciplined in areas that truly benefit my wellness. I’ve stuck with my workouts, kept off alcohol except for the occasional social sangria (which is working for me), and actively been more present with my family. I KNOW that there is something really valuable waiting for me in sticking with an extended leave from social media, and it feels like between the advancements of AI and the current state of the world (surveillance, censorship, etc.) that being in digital spaces is just growing more and more… threatening, somehow. It doesn’t fit perfectly into words, but my body is yelling at me again to give it up and come back here, to this way of expressing that feels healing and whole-making. 

It sounds like you know exactly what you need to do, and you’re being pretty gracious and compassionate with yourself. What do you think you learned from stepping back onto Instagram that is actually helpful for what you want to do next? 

The biggest thing is that it’s not going anywhere, and it’s not as much of a driving force in my work as I make it out to be. A lot of what I enjoy there (making art, chatting to friends, sharing my wisdom, staying updated on affairs) is actually BETTER offline. I can still make beautiful things, and share them via email, my website, even the podcast (yea the one that’s been dead for 5 years). I can chat to the people that matter to me. I can make content that is truly original and let Christelle do her thing in posting it. I can honor the schedule I created which lets me check comments and DMs on the computer once a day Monday - Friday so that I don’t miss client connection opportunities. And I can CHOOSE when I read the news (and go directly to the sources that I want to receive news from) and stay more grounded and clear in my own energy. 

Ok, so what practices, tools, or supports do you need to implement the plan above? 

I deleted the apps, so that’s done. Then I think step one is just this - write it out, say it to the people I love, ask for accountability and encouragement. Step two is go back to the plan I wrote for the year and see where I want to dive back in. Returning to core content pillars and writing my long form blog content this summer with a real deadline of July 31. I actually have everything I need, it’s just a matter of making the choice. 

It sounds like you’ve already made the choice, and you’re just looking to affirm why you did. Maybe it would help to also map out what else you’re prioritizing this summer for soul care. What do you want to center and focus on in your life, not just your work? 

YES, that is such a good question. 

1. Movement. Stick with my daily workouts, go to Pilates with Tamar, strength with Melanie, and yoga with Zen because those give me movement and also human connection. 

2. Relaxation. Short evening stretching, deep breathing, and longer weekly breathwork sessions are so helpful to just keep me sane. 

3. Mental Health Walks. Twice a day, morning and evening, just a short little 10-15 minute walk with the dog, the kids, or just solo and NOT look at my phone the whole time. Maybe even leave it at home and play with magical threshold walks, trusting that the short journey will reveal a moment of magic or the message I need to hear. 

4. Mushrooms and the Moon. Ceremony, connecting with the land and stars, being in local community - everything that is organically unfolding here - really leaning into those spaces and opportunities. 

5. Beach. I wanna keep the go bag (swimsuits, sunscreen, towels, umbrella, blanket) and cooler packed in the car so that all we have to do is swing by the market, get snacks, and spend half the day in the sun and water. Every time we do, the whole family is happier. 

6. My Babies. Tanner and I started working on daily speech therapy for his /r/ sounds, and I can’t believe I waited this long. Even though he resisted, he is so happy to be practicing and I can tell it’s just like strength training - we need time and consistency to see results, but he is thriving with that little bit of 1:1 attention. River needs the same to work on his Portuguese, and both of them really come alive when we make space for individual dates with Brent and I, rather than trying to do everything together all the time. I only have so many summers with them, which is why I promised myself the space and time to be more present for this one. 

7. Adventures. We’re finally in a life season where we can take the boys hiking, paddle boarding, to cultural events, on day trips, to museums or festivals, and (mostly) enjoy it. Brent is SO happy when we go do ‘new things’ as a family. And there is still so much ‘new’ for us to see here in Portugal. On my summer list is Mira Aire caves, the forests of Buçaco, the historic villages of Monsanto, Tomar, hiking in Sintra, Odeceixe beach, visiting the water parks, going for a cove beach hike in the Algarve… there is so much we haven’t seen or done yet, and it’s time.

Well, I believe in you. Are there any core beliefs that I can help us instill to support you over the next two months as you recommit to this project? 

Yes. I want to know, with every fiber of my being, that my success and well-being is not dependent on social media. I want to anchor the belief that no matter what I do, as long as I do it with integrity, heart, and courage, that it’s going to work, and I’ll be resourced, connected, and able to thrive. 

Ok. Let’s plug that in, and then pull the plug again on the apps. It’s a deal. You’re not alone. I’m with you, I believe in you, and I’m here cheering you on every step of the way. 

Thanks, Self, for being gentle with me. Let’s start again.

I’m always here for that. Yes, my love, let’s start again.