78. sabotage

I used to describe some of my behavior as self-sabotage, but a few years ago, I stopped. 

One of my beloved friends (and wise teachers), Irene Morning, heard me describing a behavior pattern as self-sabotage, and invited me to consider my actions from another perspective: to see every choice as something that, in some way, adaptive. 

In other words, even when it seems as though we are making choices which sabotage ourselves, there is likely part of the decision that is trying to do good: to protect us, provide us with more comfort, ease, or safety, or keep us from risk of harm. 

Before this shift in perspective, I identified as someone with a ‘pattern of self-sabotage.’ But what did that really mean? 

To me, it referred to making big pronouncements about what I would do, and then not following through. Or sometimes it referenced setting intentions towards greater health, consistency in exercise, nutrition, or work goals (like being consistent on social media, or showing up to share a particular offering)... followed by simply not doing the thing I intended to do. 

What I noticed is that the framing of my behavior as self-sabotage added a layer of harm to where I was already disappointed in myself: by blaming myself further for not following through, I added guilt, and worse, shame, to the mix of challenging emotions. 

And to what benefit? How did it perhaps serve me to blame myself in a punitive way - to take responsibility for my choices by calling it sabotage (rather than simply that - a choice). 

Let’s look at what sabotage means:

1. To deliberately destroy, damage, or obstruct (something - or in this case, someone - yourself), especially for political or military advantage.

2. The act of intentionally preventing the success of a plan or action.

3. To intentionally do something that stops someone (you) from achieving what they (you) want or stops something (someone - YOU) from developing as it should.

If I deconstruct what my own patterns were, I was almost never deliberately destroying my own plans (at least, not consciously). It seems like sometimes people claiming ‘self-sabotage’ don’t mean that they did it consciously, but rather that some nefarious unconscious aspect of themselves stood in the way of their desired objective and taking aligned action. 

The ‘deliberate and intentional’ factor of self sabotage, then, only applies if we do some psychological parts work, and decide that there are multiple versions, aspects, or parts of the human psyche which may be directing things. 

For example, the ‘entrepreneur / achiever’ self may have great intentions to post content every day, but the ‘mother / caregiver’ self may need to prioritize other actions. Or the ‘lover / partner’ self may intend to be more communicative and thoughtful to their spouse, but the ‘inner child’ might take over and react in an immature way when they sense a threat. 

Considering our parts also invites us to consider that each facet of self / psyche has different needs, which often conflict with the other parts. 

For example, I have an inner 8 year old nerdy chubby girl who needs and wants to be affirmed and praised… but I also have my inner dark mother archetype, who I call ‘Maleficent,’ who is vicious, cruel, punishing, and harsh. There’s Rainbow Moonbeam, the mystic and priestess, and her priorities are wildly different from Frank, the hamster who mans the red alert button in the control room of my mind. 

Every decision we make has a range of benefits, threats, costs, and obligations for all the different parts of ourselves. So when we use the reductionist explanation that we ‘self-sabotaged’ something we intended to do, it doesn’t always take into consideration who sabotaged what, exactly - who caused harm? And upon whom was the harm inflicted? This angle is worth exploring if we want to have a more generous and gentle attitude towards our own behavior, and ultimately, our potential for transformation. 

When I decided to no longer agree with the voice labeling my behavior self-sabotage, I had to get curious and look for a more true explanation of the pattern unfolding. 

What I found was exceedingly simple, yet also quite powerful. 

I found the recognition of free will. 

I landed softly in the power of choice. 

If I am not following through with something I set out to do, instead of pointing the finger at myself and letting Maleficent storm in and cut me into pieces, I try to slow down and recognize that all my actions, all my behaviors, are ultimately my choices.

It was this exploration that led me to one of the affirmations that I found life-changing: 

I am making decisions which help me trust myself.

This wasn’t an overnight success. I didn’t all of a sudden shift out of the pattern of two steps forward, one step back in the pursuit of my desires. 

But - 

I did start to slow down enough to sense my steps more clearly, to make a point of noticing what I was choosing, and inquiring more fully with the different parts of myself, to see how the choice would impact my different areas of need. 

Today, I was trying to record some talking videos for Instagram (per the request of my amazing social media integrator, Christelle), and I found myself feeling awkward, frustrated, and like I wasn’t doing a good job at the task. I also felt insecure and self-critical. Maleficent was starting to drive the mind-bus. 

So I paused, inquired with the different parts of me, and realized that the effort to follow through on that commitment was also taking time out of my day that I wanted to be using differently. In other words, I found inner conflict. 

Rather than tell myself I was ‘self-sabotaging’ by listening to my inner critic and not recording more videos, I chose to slow down and notice that I wanted two different things: to get the task done, and also to use the time differently. I then made a choice: to stop where I was in the task, instead of doing more, and to work with what had already come through, and let it be enough.

Just for kicks, because you were on my heart while I was recording today, here’s a video I made for us, about how it feels to be off social media (but still kinda on it?!) and what arises for me in the bumpy journey of “consistency” in creative self expression. 

day 78. sabotage Uploaded by Stoked Yogi on 2025-03-03. www.youtube.com

Thanks for being on this journey with me. I appreciate you.