35. screen time

“You’re a liar.” 

I chucked my phone onto the bed, offended. How dare it tell me that my average screen time for last week was ten hours a day?! How is that even possible? I am so chaste! So pure! So not on social media! 

What the actual spork am I doing on my phone for ten hours a day? 

Ok, deep breath. It’s not really that big of a deal, but it did come as a surprise today, because I truly feel like I’ve been much more distant from my phone since committing to this Antisocial Social Club project. 

I mean, except for the thirteen pickups today alone in which I checked my email. Today, when my screen time was down eighty percent from last week. 

How many pickups to check my email do I average? I am aghast at the thought. 

I think perhaps this is why, when Spirit suggested ‘a year without a phone,’ it was precisely that, and not just a year without Instagram or a year of daily writing. 

Look, I’m not shaming myself here. But it’s Sunday, for goodness’ sake. There is nothing happening in my email today that is urgent, and I don’t need to be looking at my phone at all. 

I’ve never been much of a screen time checker. I don’t do the timers, or pay attention to the statistics, or really give it much mind at all. But today I’m thinking I might approach that differently, because the curiosity driving this experiment is connected in large part to reclamation of my time and energy. Whether I’m scrolling on Instagram or refreshing my email and WhatsApp like one of B.F. Skinner’s rats, it’s a similar vibe. My energy is connected to, engaged with, and attached to my phone and the world of digital connectivity. 

So what’s the alternative? Well, when I first heard my undeniably bossy inner voice tell me that I was heading for a year without a phone, the vision that accompanied it was that 99% of what I do on my phone, I can do on my computer - and I should do it on my computer, during business hours, between approximately 11am and 7pm each day. 

Beyond that, no phone, except for actual telly-fone calls, you know, the old-timey sort. 

There’s another part of me that is just rolling her eyes like, “Whyyyyy Amelia are you doing this, it’s such a rabbit trail that you don’t need to go down. Just get back on Instagram, sell your programs, make your little reels and go on about your life.” 

I’ve received messages from a few loved ones saying that they miss me on social, that it’s so nice to receive the daily emails but it’s not the same as my voice and face. I get that, but I think that’s also a huge part of why this feels so liberating to me. Because when I write, I get to do so without the accompaniment of the inner critic who is concerned with how I look, the lighting, what’s in the background, is my house messy, and so on and so forth. 

This whole crusade started because my family expressed (over and over and over) that I was always on my phone, and they were right. I was legit NSFPL - not safe for parking lots, because I’d often just be meandering along, responding to DMs or comments or worse yet, reading some rage bait on Threads. 

Now that I’ve embarked on the quest, I’m bound and determined to find out where I’m going, what is actually the essence of my mission, and is there a greater purpose to abandoning my digital dopamine fixes than just feeling self-righteous about it (and generally less stressed, I’ll be honest it’s pretty nice off social media). 

Maybe you remember life before cell phones. I sure do. I was young, yes, but until I was around fourteen, phone-free life was the status quo. Yes, we had dial up internet and AIM, and I spent too many hours playing Legend of Zelda on NES, but it was different. Up until my teen years (and even then, with my red Nokia with the changeable face plates) I could go for a walk on the greenbelt near our house and actually just be alone. Be away from all stimuli. Be separated from the possibility for contact. Be prevented from pursuing it.

Not just contact, but immediate gratification. Today, with my phone, if I have a random passing thought about buying something, I can have it on the way to my house in under 60 seconds, thanks to Amazon. When I am wondering about a particular fact, I can drop into reddit and immediately absorb far more than I actually need to know. When I’m worried about my health, or an odd symptom or phenomenon, I plug into Dr. Google and within seconds, enable my catastrophizing to reach peak levels of anxiety. 

I will say, since deleting my social media apps, I do notice my phone pickup habit a lot more - mainly because it’s really boring. There’s only so many times in a day you can check email and your bank account before it’s just dumb to keep unlocking the phone. 

I’ve also noticed that I am giddy when I get a response to these emails. Like, embarrassingly happy. I actually save them in my inbox for a little while, until I have just the right moment to open them and savor the human connection.  

Wow, that sounds really sad and pathetic when I type it. I’m second guessing today’s whole post. 

We better hit publish before this gets any more cringey. Besides, my screen time is up for the day anyway. 

I’m determined to show my phone who’s boss. It’s 2 hours or less a day from here. Phone has become the villain in my personal melodrama, and because I’m like a dog with a bone when I want to be right, I refuse to be bested by a tiny little computer that lives in my purse and baits me with red bubble dots. 

I’ll show you, phone. 

I’ll show you.