52. perimenopause

An unwanted visitor arrived in my life in the past few days: an angry, inflamed, pus-filled gremlin who has come to challenge my self-confidence and remind me of the inevitable onward march of time and even my own mortality. 

Yes, it’s a zit. To be precise, it’s a huge, stubborn, hormonal pimple erupting on my chin - the first experience of acne I can recall in the past 20 years. 

I’ve been dancing in and out of denial about my changing menstrual cycle. But today, after picking this zit (so gross), and then icing my chin to stave off swelling, I’ve realized I must accept the undeniable truth: perimenopause is upon me. 

In the past few years, I’ve noticed the change in the form of… well, lots of changes.

After my first son was born when I was 30, my regular 29 day cycle shortened to around 24-25 days on average. After my second, it dropped down to a 3-5 day bleed every 23 days. On a rare occasion, perhaps when I’m stressed, it has been as short as 17 days. I chalked this up to life seasons, a big move across the world, but after nearly 4 years, it’s safe to say my cycle is definitely shorter and not always predictable. 

At 38, after 20 years of being pretty sure I was neurodivergent but somehow allergic to the idea of diagnosis, I finally realized that all my coping tools weren’t quite enough to get my executives to function. Forgetting things, difficulty with task completion, stronger episodes of rejection sensitivity, time blindness, and a general sense that my brain wasn’t working right finally pushed me to get assessed for ADHD. When the results came back with a resounding ‘duh, totes,’ I made a connection between the decline in estrogen (which has relation to dopamine production) and my progressively more challenging experience of ADHD expressions.

Then the pieces started falling into place more quickly and clearly. My pre-menstrual hormonal shifts intensified and became even more noticeable than in the past 7 years of cycle tracking. Day 15/16, my chicken little day, always brings peak anxiety in which I am sure that the world is crashing down, I am a failure, and I will never be able to succeed at (insert whatever here). Day 22/23, my separation day, which occurs usually one day before bleed, a raging fury burns within me and I just need and want everyone to get the fuck away from me. While the luteal roller coaster drop has always been steep for me, this signaled an even more dramatic change in my hormonal flow. 

Then came the yeast infections. TMI, and also, wtf? My diet was clean, I wasn’t having much sex at all (bummer), and had not been cruising around in wet bikini bottoms. For 3 months, they recurred, always just before my bleed.

I began to notice that I was itchy, both in the lady region, but also on the back of my scalp, at the nape of my neck, and especially after working out or getting sweaty. I felt my skin warning of clogged pores and breakouts on the back of my neck, which is a) gross and b) not common for me at all - like, ever. 

And finally, this visitor arrived. This undeniable monster of a zit, which upon serious scholarly research (google), I diagnosed as hormonal acne - common especially on the jaw and chin for women in perimenopause. 

Sigh. Change is the younger sibling of acceptance. It is time for me to move from denial (because babes I am only 39! Feeling fine! It’s too soon!) to facing the fact that my hormones are a bit wonky, and rather than wallow in self-pity (or self-critical ageism), I gotta just say, “ok, cool, so now what?”

So I’m doing the things - which I’m also doing because I said 39 was the year of health. No gluten, low sugar, no alcohol…drink more water, exercise, decrease stress… ditch caffeine (confession I’m off the wagon on this one), improve sleep. I’m doing the things!

And yet, my body is also doing the things. Listen, older sisters, I really need to know where things are going from here. We didn’t get enough info about puberty before that happened. The info supply was woefully lacking before the insanity of birth and postpartum (no one told me there would be air bubbles in my vagina for literally months after baby 1.) 

We gotta do better about (peri)menopause, okay? We have ONE MORE CHANCE to navigate the blood mysteries in a good way, to honor this season of change, and to not have to learn absolutely everything the hard way.

So, what else? Lay it on me, don’t hold back - give me your tips and horror stories like you’re writing the article “Everything no one told us about perimenopause, aka the sucky pre-season to life’s second spring.”

Ok, that’s all for now. Sending love from me and my giant zit. I have to include them because they are big enough to have their own zip code.

The world is on fire, and so is my chin. What now?