4. one rule

There's only one rule in Antisocial Social Club.

Show up, and tell the truth.

This wisdom is the it girl of my spiritual practice. It's the main thing guiding my life for the past sixteen years. Of all the alchemical medicine I’ve received, this has been the greatest continual life-changer. It's the one rule I have for my life - everything else is negotiable.

It started when I was 23 and in deep shit. After leaving a 6 year long abusive relationship, I’d fled, moved across the country, and racked up significant credit card debt that I couldn’t pay off. I ignored it for over two years, and interest piled up until creditors and collection agencies were calling me day and night, leaving threatening messages on my voicemail and pumping even more fear into my nervous system. 

I was in my sugar baby years, early 2009, the champagne and cocaine days, when my attempts to get my power back involved dating older wealthy men for money, drinking way too much alcohol, and lying - to everyone, all the time, about everything. I lied about my name, education, employment status, life experiences, preferences, and daily plans. I lied to get out of social engagements, and lied to get my needs met. I lied to doctors to get the drugs I wanted. I lied to my partners to get money. I lied out of fear and out of habit. I lied so much and so often, that eventually I realized I didn’t even know what was true within myself, because I had so little practice in attuning to it. 

My life was out of control: $100,000 in credit card debt, dating someone who was being investigated by the FBI for securities fraud, living between four different cities, constantly overdrafting my bank account, and cycling constantly through emotional hurricanes that left me exhausted, depleted, and directionless. 

Something needed to change. I was desperate. 

One day, in a prayer of desperation, I asked what I needed to do to change my life. The answer that came back was exceedingly simple (and in time, I would learn, exceedingly profound." That still small voice just said:

“Show up and tell the truth.” 

Though I didn’t understand exactly how that was going to fix anything, I also didn’t have any better ideas. Operating more from frustration and anger than faith or trust, I put the instruction into practice. 

The next time my phone rang from ‘do not answer’ (read: a collections agency), I answered the phone prepared to show up and tell the truth. The woman on the other end started the conversation as they always did: stern, aggressive, threatening legal action if I didn’t comply with paying them my debt. 

When it was my turn to talk, I took a deep breath, then said, working to keep my voice calm, clear, and non-defensive: 

“Shondra, listen. I can’t pay you. I don’t have the money. This debt was $3,000 and now it’s $30,000. I’m trying to rebuild my life after leaving an abusive relationship and struggling with addiction. I finally have a job, but I only make enough to cover my rent and food. I have 15 other creditors and collections agencies calling me a hundred times a day. I’m 23 years old, and I’m just trying to get my life together. I honestly don’t know how I am ever going to get ahead. I am trying to do the right thing, but I literally cannot pay you.” 

There was a long pause when I finished. When her voice came back, it was laced with emotion and determination. She said, “You know, I hear you. I know a thing or two about where you’ve been. Here’s what we’re gonna do. I’m going to clear the interest from this debt and put it back in good standing. We’re gonna set you up with a deferred payment plan that will start in a few months. And I’m gonna pray for you, because you’re young, and it was brave to tell me all that, and I hope things get better for you from here.” 

I was sitting on my balcony with a cigarette, watching the smoke filter through a ray of sunlight. With one deep, authentic, vulnerable share, $27,000 in debt had just disappeared - poof - as a gift of grace. 

“Thank you,” I said, both to Shondra, and to the divine presence holding both of us in that moment. 

Something fundamentally rearranged itself in my system through that experience. I realized that the instruction to show up and tell the truth might be onto something, and I committed to continue following it. 

Sixteen years later, I reflect on that turning point with so much appreciation for how this wisdom has changed my life. It has become the center of my spiritual philosophy - and here’s why.

It is only when we show up and tell the truth that we can be fully met.

It is only when we reveal the depth of ourselves, that we can be witnessed as we truly are, and reflected, affirmed, honored, accepted, and cared for. It is only when we receive this care for our full, truthful expression that we can heal the ways shame has told us we’re unlovable and unacceptable. 

When we practice leaning into a more full, authentic expression - when we practice showing up and telling the truth, we open ourselves to be loved as we are now. Only from this loved-now place can we find find the growing edge of who we are called to be, and stretch into it. 

I’m sharing this story today, because showing up and telling the truth is also part of what compels me to write in this format - without the filters, hooks, and ‘calls to action’ of social media. This experiment is about exploring a truer expression and testing the thesis that doing so will nourish my creativity, but also result in deeper human connection. 

So, if I do nothing else in the next 360 days, let it be this: 

I will show up, and tell the truth.