22. jaded

You know how sometimes in life, we experience seasons of new growth, blossoming, enthusiasm, excitement, and bright-eyed wonder? 

You know those times when it just feels like beautiful surprises keep popping out from behind each corner, and you are enchanted by the mystery of life unfolding before you? 

You know when something is fresh and new, whether it’s love, a course of study, an obsession-worthy book series, or hyperfixation outfit, and you just can’t get enough of it, and want to return to it day after day and just be with it? 

When life feels as though it’s winking, sparkling, and dancing with you in an elegant symphony of synchronicities and fated moments? 

And then, you know how sometimes life is NOT THAT?!?!

This is a not-that moment.

I’m going with ‘moment’ instead of ‘season’ because I am not claiming this shit, not owning this pattern, not agreeing with the endurance of drudgery that is my current circumstances. 

Yesterday we had heavy, heavy rains. Coincidentally, or maybe not, around the same time there was a bubbling anger within me, there was also water bubbling from the floorboards of part of our house. 

Today we found another (larger) puddle of water that had apparently seeped from beneath the flooring of the bathroom, emerging from an as-yet-unidentified leak, taunting me with it’s presence. Baiting my rage and frustration. 

Mars retrograde (That Little Fucker) entered Cancer today, a watery realm of the zodiac in which he is notoriously unhappy, uncomfortable, and apparently, uninterested in being chill about. 

I’m a few days pre-bleed, maybe a week, and I’ve got on my luteal phase poop-colored glasses, so I’m seeing things in a slightly darker shade than my usual rainbow-rose tones. 

I’m asking myself today, what is the flavor of this soup? A motley assortment of challenging life circumstances, bathed in a broth of relentless truth telling, spiced with an Eeyore-esque attitude, simmered on the stove for longer than it wants to be… What does it taste like?

Sour grapes, mostly. 

Something’s gonna give, it always does. I know I’ll find my way back to embodying the starry-eyed dream weaver I know and love, but today I just feel jaded.

Hmmm… here’s a nugget of gold (or maybe just pyrite, but I’ll take it). 

This exact feeling is one that I would ordinarily self-medicate with scrolling. Instead of simply sitting in the discomfort of my current state, I could use social media to escape into other people’s lives, experiences, opinions - anything to distract me, stimulate a sense of novelty, or give me a quick dopamine hit by edu-taining me about one of my problems (that my robot phone overheard and sold to the meta overlords) and then peddling me a boss-girl solution. 

Oooh, that feels niiiiice.

I am actually smiling thinking about my victory over the imaginary swindlers of social media who at this very moment, cannot seduce me through the scroll. I sit here, a champion of this battle of the wits, pleased as punch with myself for choosing this grudge-y, grumpy, gripey path instead. 

I win. 

Winner winner, chicken dinner. 

They say the ADHD brain thrives on novelty, interest, urgency and competition. 

Life might be mundane, repetitive, slow and frustrating right now, but at least I can always make up imaginary fights with the invisible ‘they’ to restore my self-confidence and zest for life. 

Tell me something good?