53. fed up

I’ve been thinking about this word ‘boundaries’ which came to me for the year ahead. 

Well, not thinking about the word, but thinking about my boundaries. It may come as no surprise that I am fiercely protective of my energy, since I’ve pulled it back in such a specific way to focus on this writing project. 

But the process of figuring out healthy boundaries for myself isn’t always easy. I have a bit of a rescuer complex, and have spent many years in people-pleasing recovery. The truth is, I’ve always wanted to be loved; not just loved, but very deeply liked.

Wanting to be liked is a very human quality - after all, where would we be without the affection and approval of the people around us? Whether it’s our parents, caregivers, institutions, friends, or tribe, humans have a biological need to be cared for by each other, so we learn early on to shape ourselves in a way that earns acceptance and favor from the people around us. 

The problem is that in doing so, sometimes we disconnect from parts of ourselves in order to gain that love, like, acceptance and approval. Over time, we might abandon, neglect, suppress, deny, or simply stop practicing facets of our full authentic expression and radiance, because they aren't the ones that help us with social cohesion. 

Though I can’t recall being on the receiving end of disapproval for anger specifically, I do know that when I was young, I was very sensitive (still am, actually). While I’d later learn the many gifts of this exquisite and at times hyper-sensitivy, as a kid I mostly knew that I had big emotions, and the level of drama and upheaval accompanying my feelings made some people uncomfortable, judgmental, or annoyed. 

I also learned that certain qualities were considered ‘good’ - like generosity, sharing, patience, kindness, etc. Other qualities were ‘bad’ - like selfishness, greed, impatience, rudeness, cruelty, and so forth. While it’s essential to teach values, ethics, and morality to support the fabric of society, there’s also often an imbalance in conditioning which teaches people sexed female to amplify traits of nurturing, caregiving, and forgiveness, and temper qualities of rage, grief, passion, lust, and frankly, the innately mysterious and terrifying aspects of the feminine. 

I’m going somewhere with this, I think.

Long story short: the house we bought last summer was remodeled, but they left the renovation incomplete once we went into escrow. We’ve spent ten months dancing around and playing nice with the selling agent and person responsible for completing the tasks we agreed on at signing. For literally three seasons, we’ve been in a relational dynamic in which we were lied, misled, ignored, ghosted, put off, and frankly treated like we were stupid, because we were efforting to be patient, kind, and tolerant in the process of getting the rest of this work done. 

But the series of unfortunate events which unfolded over the winter (water leaks, mudslide, etc.) pushed me to an edge of frustration and a tipping point in which I realized that our previous strategy was not effective in this particular relationship. 

If you know me at all, you know I’m big on truth telling. Everybody is a bit of a mess, but when we own it and relate to each other honestly, I think humans can get through most conflict and challenge. If you want to piss me off, lie to me. If you want to really piss me off, lie to me and then gaslight me about it. 

I’m not a fan of cancel culture but I’ll also be honest and say that I have a certain pattern in relationships where harm is being done, and it’s going on too long. I’ll give grace as far as I can stretch it, but at some point, I get fed up, and all of a sudden, my warmth turns ice cold, my grace becomes a soft hiss under my breath, and all it takes is one more misstep before I grab my gas can, flame thrower, walk over to the bridge that runs between us, and light that motherfucker up. In the past, this was the point at which I’d say “they’re dead to me.” 

Now look, these shares are not my wise counseling self advice, mmkay? This is just some cute lil shadow eating, and it needs to be done every once in a while. 

Well, over the past year I’ve been contemplating this pattern of allowing imbalance or harm in relationships to reach the point of burning bridges, because wise owl self seems to think there might be a better way. So I’ve been efforting towards even more direct and clear communication, learning how to assert and hold healthy boundaries, and aiming to navigate relationships towards accountability and repair rather than a fiery inferno. 

But we all have our limits. 

Because I’m not putting my entire personal life on blast, I’ll keep the names and addresses to myself - we’re not doxing anyone here. But I will say this: everyone fucking with my vibe needs to step back for the next 17 days. Mars Rx is at my ascendant, and when it comes to relationship dynamics, I am not playing right now. I have my gas can. I have my flame thrower. And right now I also have a lawn chair, and I’m just sitting in it with them next to me, looking at the fences of my emotional yard and thinking about my boundaries. How do these fences need to be tended so that these weapons of incendiary destruction don’t feel necessary? 

If this were shadow work, I’d also ask myself to consider these qualities that I am so enraged and activated by in others, and ask where their archetype might reside in my shadow? 

The compulsive liar and excuse maker. 

The avoidant and ghosting communicator. 

The embellishing, exaggerating smooth talker. 

The financially irresponsible one. 

The helpless, victimized maiden.

The self medicating, self harming addict. 

The wielder of weaponized incompetence. 

The self-aggrandizing know it all. 

The finger-pointing judgmental bossy bitch.

The one who dishonors their word. 

I lean back in my lawn chair and think a minute about the people triggering me - no, scratch that - the way I am experiencing activation based on qualities I perceive in others - I have a brief moment of clarity. 

I have been all of these people. I have lost love for being all of these people. I have taken these unacceptable parts of myself, and in an effort to transform them, shoved them into what poet Robert Bly calls ‘the long bag we drag behind us.’ I haven’t eradicated these qualities in myself, I’ve alchemized some of them, and others have been exiled into shadow. 

So tonight, by the gentle light of my flame thrower, let me gently draw them from my long, dragging bag and examine them. Let me be fed up, if that’s what I am, but let me also notice and observe the deeper layer of why: because it is only what I can not tolerate in myself that I also will not tolerate in others. 

As I move through these unacceptable ways of being, one by one, I come to a clear conclusion. If I will not tolerate these qualities in relationships with others, to the point that they will become dead to me, then I must also recognize these facets of my own being, and integrate them, so that I do not also become dead to me. 

The tender one who can’t bear to be in trouble. 

The sensitive one who prefers silence to disharmony. 

The creative one with the wild imagination. 

The generous one full of material optimism. 

The scared one who feels unsure and alone.

The overstimulated one who needs to mute the energy volume.

The lonely one testing the strength of an attachment.

The smart one who desperately wants to be seen.

The perfectionist whose self-worth is entangled in being right.

The one who has not yet learned self-trust.

So yeah, okay, I’m fed up.

“I’m a lover, but I’m also a fighter, so don’t get any ideas,” I say, before tilting my gas can onto the bonfire and tossing a casual spark from my flame thrower… just so they remember what’s at stake.

I’ll keep holding my fire, for now. Holding my fire, but also holding my boundaries like a boss. Because, even for the sake of compassionate grace, I won't let truth and justice slip into the shadow.