18. silence

It’s been four days since I deleted the social media apps from my phone.

The first two days, I noticed myself constantly picking my phone up anyway and automatically, habitually opening apps - any apps, all apps. Checking my bank account, email, opening Amazon. It was like my hand had a mind of its own, and it was frantically searching for the familiar motion of seeking something. 

Yesterday, though, things were different. I’ve started turning my phone off completely at night, and not turning it on in the morning until I’m ready to engage with it. I sat up last night in front of the fireplace, stretching my body and listening to my being. Not meditating, really, just sitting and observing. 

I wrote in a client’s astrology report today about how the transit of Jupiter, planet of spiritual growth, through her 12th house, would likely create a period of increased solitude in her life - a natural inclination to pull back from the world and find value and growth in stillness, silence, and non-doing. 

It was only later, driving to the grocery store, that I realized I will also have Jupiter transiting my 12th house this year - not yet, but it seems it is getting a head start on the energy. 

Yesterday and today, I didn’t miss social media at all, but I did notice myself worrying about what I’m going to do when it’s time to make money. Just normally day-16-menstrual-cycle worry. I call it my Chicken Little day because every month, when it arrives, I’m sure the sky is falling and I am doomed. 

The thing about this method of communication is that it's much, much quieter than social media. I mean, I’m here talking (to myself, to you, to the ether), and sometimes (much to my delight and surprise every time) you talk back. But we’re just talking, the two of us; the cacophony of other voices, usually so present in the social media space, is absent. 

Last night I was sitting with that silence and noticing how peaceful I felt after only a few days without that input. Reflecting on what it does to the brain to receive tens, hundreds, or even thousands of ‘impressions’ a day of other people’s energy - people known and unknown, friends and strangers alike, I had a moment of pause as I realized what a significant volume of energetic input it truly is - and what spaciousness will open in its absence. 

I’m dreaming of a different way, because I can feel the absence also of the weave of women with whom I mutually exchange love and care in our inter-woven-interwebs space. But today I don’t know any other way (yet), so I am just sitting down for my daily love letter, for this moment of silence, where it’s just you and me and the clickety-clack of my fingers on the keyboard. 

Energetically, I feel like I’m buckling up for something. I’m watching Mars retrograde make its way back toward my descendant, and feeling it in real time. Maybe that is just Chicken Little talking, but it feels like something is coming - something different, probably good, but first, hard. 

Honestly, today I am pretty tired of hard. It doesn’t have to be easy, but easeful would be nice. Whatever this feeling is, it’s telling me to clean up my act, to get into my strongest and healthiest self. This afternoon, I stopped in a nearby meadow on my way to the grocery store, where I met a large bumblebee, who didn’t just come close but circled around me twice. I only know Her as the Goddess. When she buzzed me, I heard the message loud and clear - you’re developing the etheric chamber of the heart. You need to care for your heart and lungs. 

As it happens, I was there to smoke a teeny tiny spliff. Yeah, I planned to let the tobacco go with the new year, but oops, it followed me into day 2. 

After the Goddess buzzed me, I took a deep breath, looked around at the meadow, and said, “Fine. I hear you.” Then I scattered all my tobacco to the four directions, with prayers to help me steady myself in a better way. 

Honestly, the number of choices I’m making these days that are ‘good for me’ feels like a bit of an eye roll. It’s like my rebellious maiden and wise elder are finding their way into a truce, and working me from both ends to help me grow into more of who I need to be at this time. 

I think today there’s no tidy ending to the post. I’m just here, in growing silence, moving further into faith that this voice - the one I will apparently hear more and more clearly as other voices quiet - is guiding me towards the next right thing.

If you feel inclined, I’d love to hear how you’re faring in these first tender days of a new year. Please feel welcome, at your own pace, to touch in. I’m grateful for you.