95. scattered

I remembered yesterday one of the reasons why Spirit said to STEP AWAY from Instagram. 

I remembered just as I was intensely scanning some random woman’s account, trying to figure out what she is doing ‘right’ and what I am doing ‘wrong.’

I was trying to figure out what she is doing ‘right’ because of course, I made up a story about her life, an elaborate comparative tale about how her work is more successful than mine, how she has something figured out that I don’t, how if I just study her content enough, I’ll crack the code to figure out what is needed for my own growth and alignment. 

Then I caught myself, sighed, closed the app, and came here to write to you. I’m sitting with an old story that I’m too scattered to accomplish what I desire, and the concern that I always go wide and never go deep, and because of that, I’ll forever continue struggling to ‘be known’ for my work. 

This story - and it is a story, not fact - says that in order to achieve what I want in this life, I need to give up some of what makes me, me. It tells me that I am interested in too many things, have too many services, talk about too many different subjects, and if I want to be respected as an authority in any one area, that I need to let some things go. 

Now, there may be some wisdom to this, sure. In this late-stage-capitalist-hellscape, hierarchy, compartmentalization, categorization, and ‘niching’ (all forms of dividing, ranking, and labeling in efforts to control and classify life’s inherent chaos and wholeness) are ways of teaching the machines to more effectively identify ‘what’ we are. 

I found myself toggling back and forth between this woman’s content and my own, observing how she’s narrowed her focus exclusively to the moon, astrology, and spiritual guidance, and has (according to the story in my mind) become widely well known, with multiple published books, a top-ranked podcast, and (would you believe this) I couldn’t even find her credentials on her about page. 

Yes, yes, that’s right, I stalked her website to try to find her education levels, her certifications, the letters behind her name, so I could feel better about myself - so I could stack her worthiness against mine, and find her wanting. 

I didn’t find any, though, so then I added to my story that she’s so successful without even having credentials, and I started another lap in my shame spiral, about how much I’ve invested into my education and trainings and university and if I could just FOCUS INSTEAD I would be a STAR without even having those things!

Wow. This is an embarrassing one, but I think we need to have this conversation. Or at least, I need to have it with myself, because this pattern is really fucking old and tired. 

Sunday, at the skatepark, I sat with the mother of my kid’s friends and got to know each other better. As it often does, the conversation turned to our work, and we found out we both have a passion for astrology. When she asked what I do, I explained my ‘many-hats’ approach to entrepreneurship, and went through my usual spiel of business coach - spiritual counselor - women’s mentor - astrologer - medicine guide… and good gracious, even typing it I’m tired of the litany of ‘here’s all the ways I make money.’ 

WHAT AM I? How do I define my work? How do I encapsulate the value that I add to people’s lives in such a way that it translates easily? Is it even meant to? (Here we go on the scatter spiral...)

I had it sorted, I thought, as of December. I’m a soul work coach - I work with folks on their souls, and honestly, to me that felt really good. But then when I went down the rabbit hole of SEO for my site, the chick I hired told me that "no one - and I mean no one is searching for a soul work coach on google", so her advice was to reclaim the label of spiritual business coach. Which is like (eye roll) fine, but that’s only a part of what I do. Many of my clients don’t have businesses. 

Then you know what I realized? 

FUCK THIS CONVERSATION. I’m actually getting mad writing this, because this energy, this thought pattern, this weird downward spiral through line from comparison to a stranger to questioning and doubting my own work and worth... 

NONE OF THIS was even present until I danced my happy ass back onto social media. It’s NOT inherent in me, it's not MY STORY - it’s a SIDE EFFECT of the little square box. 

Social media should come with a warning label for over-consumption, something like…

Use of this product comes with heightened risk of the following side effects and symptoms -

• Comparing yourself to strangers on the internet with no basis in reality

• Judging yourself for being too much, not enough, too old, too late, too (whatever)

• Extreme bouts of self-doubt and wondering if you made all the wrong life choices

• Loss of huge chunks of time, attention blackouts and fugue states

• Decrease in creativity, passion, libido and enthusiasm for the real world

• Insecurity related to body image, beauty standards, finances, education & experience

• Crippling anxiety and intense despair about the state of the world

• Boredom at regurgitated artwork and trite, cliche, sound-byte ideas

• Impulsive spending on shit you don’t need and didn’t even know existed

• Amnesia about how fucking awesome you are

Wow. That was like a bucket of cold water dumped over my head (in a good way). Yeah. Yeah. Fuck that noise.

What’s weird is I’ve also really enjoyed being back on Instagram over the past week. I’ve gobbled up some fun digital art, learned about cool offerings from people I love, and had a few helpful new client connections. 

But it also catapulted me into a great forgetting of my magic for a minute there; it seduced me subtly from the stable foundation of my own self-knowledge and lured me with a trail of dopamine breadcrumbs far from my safe little witch hut at the far edge of the digital forest, until I found myself suddenly snapping to attention in the midst of a humming machine hive. 

Now more than ever, I must NOT FORGET who I am, and what I’m here to do. 

I’m here to serve as a catalyst for your soul growth and a cosmic companion for your journey. 

I am here to unwind the bullshit messaging of patriarchal dominator culture and call out the bondage we’ve created for ourselves to stay seemingly safe and far too small.

I am here to nod sagely as you decide to burn the old stories, hand you the gas can, put on my welding goggles, and pick up the flame thrower. 

I’m here to sit beside you as you write new truths about who you are and what you’re going to do with this wild and beautiful life. 

I am here to commit so fucking deeply to my own wandering, wondering journey of growth and grace, to return again and again to the Mother River until Her essence runs through me and my very presence is an undeniable beacon of heretical, irrational, imaginal faith and thirst-quenching self-trust. 

I’m here to trust the self-organizing organic intelligence of my brilliant, beautiful, instinctive, intuitive, courageous and capable animal body with everything I’ve got. 

So maybe I’m scattered, sure. 

That’s what happens when you’re a stark raving mystic, following the promptings of Spirit (albeit reluctantly and somewhat defiantly) wherever they lead. 

I’m scattered amongst all of what I love, and may the breadcrumbs of my scattering lead others towards the Mother River.

Mic drop (and a scattering of breadcrumbs while I'm at it).