8. oof

It’s only been 7 days and I feel like I’m running out of steam. 

Oof. That’s pathetic.

The feeling of wanting to quit but I just started is familiar; I feel it every single day during my workouts - it usually lasts at least the first 20% of the workout. Sooo... [doing math in my head] that's gonna be a solid maybe 72 days at least that I feel like this is hard and kind of sucks. 

Oof. Again.

When I ask myself why I don’t feel motivated to write, the answer is immediate and clear: because I’m trying to write based on what I think people will like, and today I don’t know what people will like. 

I’m laughing (sardonically, silently, inside, not LOL-ing) because that’s the whole fucking point of this experiment - aside from tending creativity and connection differently, I’m working on my external locus of motivation for creation - working on internalizing it, because I am not doing this for you (no offense, I’m seriously so glad you’re here, it would feel really fucking lame if no one was reading it at all, then I think I’d be dopamine-zero).

My grandmother Marilyn Dias was a lounge singer in the 1940-50’s. It’s actually a tender spot in the family stories, because when my dad was young (like 5-8), she often left home at night (to my grandfather’s chagrin) and went to smoky lounges to drink, perform, and carouse. At the time, it was an unspeakable thing for a woman to do. But I remember her telling me that every time she took the stage, she’d tell the audience that she wasn’t performing for them, she was doing it for herself. That was perhaps even more shocking than a white lady singing jazz. 

Anyway, Mimi is 98 now - we don’t talk, there’s some trauma there, story for another day - but I think she’d be pleased as punch to know I’m channeling her when I sit down to write. 

I’m not doing this for you, I’m doing it for myself.

And since it’s only been a week and I seem to have forgotten WHY I am doing it, lemme drop some cute lil lists to refresh my memory. 

Why am I starting the Antisocial Social Club, and stepping back from Instagram?

• Gaining time that would otherwise be spent scrolling or engaging

• Redirect focus to blog and website

• More intentional time with my family and better quality of presence

• Intentionally select which relationships to tend and pursue

• Reduce performative behaviors and actions that lack real impact

• Reduce primary phone-based distractions

• Cultivate a greater capacity for critical thinking, dialogue, nuance

• Eliminate unconscious absorption of other people’s hate, fear, anxiety, insecurity

• Channel creative energy towards art, long form writing

• Pull my support from meta as it’s not values-aligned

• Protect my emotional, creative, and relational energy

• Develop other steady pathways for lead generation that I own

What am I missing, just 7 days into this experiment? 

Honestly, I think just one thing: easy dopamine hits. Not gonna lie, the little red indicators do something for me. Chatting at my stories for me is the equivalent of Grandma Mimi going to the lounge at night - it’s my place to get attention, to perform, to feel connected to myself beyond my identity as a mom. 

But I’m also realizing that 365 days is a long time, and I’m going to have to dive into creative expression beyond just talking about this experiment itself. 

I’m going to have to - gulp - actually deepen in creativity, for this project to be sustainable for my own brain. I’m not gonna say it just yet, but I think if I’m going to write every day, I may as well make it meaningful… So I'm cracking open the seal on an old project, my memoir, and will be playing with (without any order or explanation) essays from that draft, as a way to reignite my passion for writing it (or letting it evolve into something else).

Can you give me some ideas for when I forget what I’m doing here? 

Ugh, fiiiiiiine. Try these:

• Write from the day’s experience or emotions

• Excerpt an essay from ongoing project (Sugar to Salt: a memoir)
• Share an unhinged poem or freestyle creative writing practice 
• Share BTS the Antisocial Business project (paywall post)
• Reply to a 'Dear Amelia’ question (these don’t exist so feel welcome to send me questions)
• Share what I’m working on in school / discussion post or prompt myself with a quote from my readings
• Artist’s Way prompt or artist's date reflection
• Play truth or dare (truth: tell the deeper layer of a story, dare: pick a random writing prompt - NO CHEATING - from the internet and do it).

Pssst - hey, you, if you’re reading this (I know I’m not supposed to be talking to you, I’m not suppose to care, I’m doing this for myself and blah blah blah) - if you have any ideas, or want to send me a question, or a truth or dare, I’ll run with it. Seriously, we’ve got a whole year here so uhhh… any help you want to give is welcomed. 

Why am I doing this again? 

To create with less agenda, to lean into writing as a discipline, to trust my voice.

Right, okay, got it. Yup yup yup. 

We’ll try again tomorrow.