10. nope

I was falling asleep in Tanner’s bed, tucking him in just now. It’s 10:20pm on Christmas night, and I am bone-weary exhausted. 

Exhausted from the adrenaline dump of Santa-ing until the wee hours of last night. 

Exhausted from River (unbeknownst to us) eating all the candy from his stocking when he was left unattended with it for 20 minutes, and then having two peak level meltdown episodes today. 

Exhausted from apparently overdoing it on our wonderful family hike yesterday, and spending the afternoon and evening hooked up to the TENS machine, hobbling around cranky, uncomfortable, and annoyed that my back is too tender to workout. 

There’s been so much good that’s contributed to the exhaustion, but it’s also the post-holiday drop that feels like I just want a full day of literal silence and absolute nothing-ness to do. That’s the dream right now. 

And it is a dream, because the boys are home for another eleven days and it’s just us here - no family, no babysitters (easefully), no long stretches of empty quiet. 

So as I was falling asleep in Tanner’s bed, I thought about my commitment to myself. I’ve thought about it every few hours this afternoon and evening, in fact. 

Thought about it while I was playing 3 rounds of a new board game with Tanner. 

Thought about it while I was helping River through meltdown number one and reading him Peppa Pig books so he could settle down and rest. 

Thought about it while making Christmas dinner - which ended up being hamburgers, homemade mac n cheese, arugula salad and melon - because I just didn’t have any fancy left in me today. 

Thought about it while walking Barney, watching him take a poop right in the middle of the road and then realizing I left all his poop bags in my other jacket. 

Thought about it as I swept up dead leaves from all over the patio, clipped back the lemongrass and citronella which are half dead now heading into winter… 

And thought about it during meltdown number 2, as River screamed himself hoarse and I thought to myself, “nope. There’s no way I’m writing today, not tonight. Not after this day. I don’t have anything left to give.”

So even though I thought about it while I tucked Tanner in, reading him a new chapter book he got for Christmas, I thought nope, for sure not - and gave myself all the reasons why I was justified in choosing to not show up for my writing. 

I deserve rest when I need it. Literally no one is waiting for this email. The whole thing is an experiment in reframing and reclaiming my creative self-expression, and not feeling some performative need to post my life online (mind flashed back to posting today’s new favorite overalls on instagram, hmm oops or whatever or yeah old habits die hard) - 

So I decided I would just say, “Nope. Fuck it. Not today.”

Then I closed the door quietly to Tanner’s room, grabbed my laptop, crawled into bed with a heating pad and my water bottle, and listened to River - still resisting sleep, being soothed by his Dad (goddess bless him and bless him and bless this man of mine) - and I poured my exhausted lil heart-mind onto the page. 

Nope. I’m not going to give up on myself that easily. I’m not going to avoid this gift that I’m giving myself - the gift of curiosity, commitment, and connection. I’m not going to miss finding out what’s there when I put fingertips to the keyboard and just let it flow. Nope. I’m not bailing on myself. Not today, anyway.

And now as I type, my eyelids heavy over glossy gaze, I appreciate myself for showing up - here, and all the ways today. I appreciate myself showing up. 

And I’m super duper glad that Christmas is over - may we all find a day in the next week to exist in the oblivion that is December 26 to 31. May we all disappear just as much as we need to, to reappear to our own blessed selves. 

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good. fucking. night. ZZzzzzZZ