34. more monster

I really need to just do less.

Lately, I feel like I’m getting hit over the head with this lesson, a wisdom nugget that I apparently need to learn slowly, repeatedly, and with an obnoxious frequency: my capacity and capability are not the same. 

I am wildly, expansively, divinely, purposefully capable, of pretty much anything I set my mind to, but there’s a catch. In order to create, build, manifest, structure, experience, practice, and integrate whatever is possible in my grand capability, I MUST honor my capacity. 

Apparently capacity is a blind spot for me. I can’t quite see it, it’s always ducking out of sight. I can only see it's shadow -which is enormous - but the little trickster casting it is just normal-sized.

It’s like time blindness, but energy blindness (my ADHD siblings, is this a thing?) Somehow I can’t quite surmise if the task at hand will require a few minutes and one percent of my brain power, or if it will slowly suck the life from me, hour after hour, day after day, when I thought it would be a simple short term project.

You know the old adage, ‘the only way to eat an elephant is one bite at a time?’ It’s a weird expression, because I don’t think anyone actually wants to eat an elephant. For one, we love elephants. For two, that is way too much to eat. Duh.

But apparently, since it’s an adage, or colloquialism, some part of our collective culture thinks that we need to find a way to eat elephants, and that, my friend, is the problem. 

Capitalist, consumerist and materialist messaging tell us frantically, constantly, in 2x speed TikTok videos and repurpose-your-content-8-gazillion-ways-AI-prompts that more is always better.

More money, more clients, more houses, more cars, more new phones, more muscles, more skinny, more chocolate, more more more-more-moremoremore (say it out loud until it turns into a little growl.)

This is the growl of the More Monster. We hear it when we’re hungry for growth, joy, connection, status, expansion, abundance, and comfort. We also hear it in greed, insecurity, scarcity, urgency, and comparison. We might even meet the More Monster in our desires for learning, love, and the sacred. 

The More Monster isn't inherently bad. They mean well, they just want to help us experience more good, more yummy, more pleasure, more excitement, more fulfillment in life...

but in their dopamine-frenzied-state, they forget an essential concept: the golden Goldilocks portion. It’s that just-right amount where we are satiated, our needs are met, we have comfort and safety and growth and rest all in just-right measure. 

In Swedish, this concept is lagom (pronounced LAW-gom), meaning 'just the right amount' or 'not too much, not too little'. It’s the intelligence of knowing that one slice of rich chocolate cake, savored slowly, is just right, but a whole cake, gobbled greedily, will cause suffering.

I think I’ve fed my More Monster too much lately. We both have a tummy ache. Alas, it’s probably because we've been eating elephant instead of chocolate cake. It's hard to know the right amount and my eyes are always bigger than my stomach. 

When I was turning seven, I told all my classmates that my parents were taking us to Disneyland (yes, apparently all twenty plus kids) in a hot air balloon. I didn’t really feel like I was lying, but my More Monster had taken the reins on party planning and came up with an elephant of a celebration, which of course, could not and would not come to fruition. 

I’ve matured a bit since my 7th birthday, but the imaginative, visionary optimist in me is still alive and well, and she can’t always tell if a hot air balloon ride for 20 is far-fetched fantasy or just a matter of solid strategic planning. I mean really, how hard could it be? 

Can it all be done, or is it simply too much? 

I have a full year calendar full of detailed descriptions of creative projects, offers, retreats and programs calling for me to organize, execute, implement and fulfill.

I’ve committed myself to daily workouts, eating at home, twice daily walks, a writing practice, evening stretching, meditation, breathwork, and getting the best quality sleep I can as a mom of two kids. 

I’m wrapping the final classes of my masters, completing a certification in spiritual counseling, a separate certificate in ecotherapy and eco-resilience, midway through a shamanic therapy training and initiatory path with Rose, organizing my psilocybin research project and applying for a PhD program. 

I'm trying to be fully present with my kids, prioritize connection with my mom and sister, have frequent dates, sex and quality time with my partner, catch up on the phone with my friends, be available when my loved ones need a listening ear, and have ample alone time and solitude for my mental health.

Practicing my ‘do it now’ philosophy means aiming to stay on top of dentist, doctor, massage therapy, psychiatrist appointments, handle home and car repairs right when they crop up, and not procrastinating on tasks like taxes and residence permit renewals. 

Then of course, there is also the bites of elephant that I don’t want to eat - like unexpected home repairs, illness, injury, crises and chaos. 

You know, writing this out, I actually don’t think my More Monster is really all that greedy. I think they’re just delusional.

It’s probably from eating too much elephant.