82. melancholy

Maybe it’s the flu stealing the air from my lungs, or Neptune at the anaretic 29º mark, but today was a really tough day. The fatigue I’m experiencing is so severe that I actually wondered to myself today, “Is this it for me? Am I dying?” 

I feel like I need to write from the gut today and not pull any punches, because something really funky is floating around in the ether. 

I keep typing and deleting. Like I don’t want to acknowledge the things that are trying to creep out onto the page. I know if I write them, I won’t be able to put them back inside again. 

Things just feel scary lately. Life, I mean. I have a walloping amount of student loan debt (we’re talking over 6 figures) from completing this master's degree (that’s almost done, but now certain I won’t be able to afford the PhD, at least not right now) and I went to try to adjust my payment plan the other day, and guess what? The US government has removed all options for income driven repayment plans - yup, they just took them away. So I went to try to access my lender’s portal to see what options do exist - and couldn’t login with my credentials. I tried a few times and then was locked out. 

Then I googled it, and read that thousands of people are being locked out and not able to make changes to their loans which is causing them to just keep accruing interest. It’s a weird feeling; half is me is like “FUCK THE MAN” and the other half is worried about trying to do everything right - as if this administration gives a shit about people doing things right. Apparently it’s cool for you-know-who to file bankruptcy multiple times, but the average US citizen shouldn’t have access to fair lending practices so we can get university degrees. 

I love the program I did, but I regret it right now. If I could go back, I’d never set foot in an institution of learning in the states ever again. I’d just find a nice degree program here in Europe that might set me back $5k a year and just pay for it. 

My sweet husband (who is a 100% total and permanent disabled veteran) told me today that he’s also feeling scared, because he watched some interview where T**mp and M**k were discussing massive cuts to the VA, and mentioned cutting benefits for veterans who reside overseas. I tried to reassure him, but it’s pretty hard to provide comfort in light of the plain facts and events of the past 6 weeks. It’s like the United States government is just trying to completely fucking destroy everything, destabilize everyone, and I guess turn the whole country into a dumpster fire. 

If you’re still reading, be warned: I am in a very poopy place right now. When I came down with the flu on Monday, I stopped taking my ADHD medications, because, well, it just doesn’t seem logical to me to pop amphetamines when I’m being dragged through a feverish hellish underworld. I realized today that the extreme fatigue I’m feeling might be due to the combined forces of flu, medication withdrawals, and days of inadequate caloric intake. 

On top of those, I’m going through a once in 30 year astrological transit of Saturn (responsibility, discipline, karma) opposite my Mars - Moon - Venus (motivation - emotion - relationships). 

It hit me today, as I lay in bed, feeling as though I could sleep for a hundred years, and just be getting started… that I might be getting depressed. Depression, or melancholy, is the classic expression of Saturn engaged with the Moon in astrology. Sometimes it feels like loneliness, isolation, hardship, or struggling to find joy. 

I’m doubting all my life choices. I should have gotten a job. Now I’m 39, have a million and one credentials, a beautiful home and family, and a true sense of my purpose and calling… but the entrepreneurial path right now feels more hairy than ever, and I’m basically unemployable - I don’t even think jobs exist for my skill set. So I’ll just need to double down (once again) on believing in myself, and hoping, praying, trusting that even as things become more unstable all around us, that grounded, ethical business coaching and heart-centered spiritual counseling will still be a thing people want, need, and choose to pay for. 

I’m tired. I’m tired of working so fucking hard. I’m tired of the stupid, constant, non-stop efforts necessary to ‘get attention’ and ‘get clients.’ I’m tired of being sick. I’m tired of my house being messy, because every time we get it clean then our kids get sick and everything falls to shit. 

You know, I was cleaning the downstairs yesterday, my office, and I opened the window because I was burning some cedar and rosemary, and the motherfucking window just FELL OFF. It just fell off. And my husband was in bed with a 103º fever, and my kids were screaming upstairs, and I kid you not, I knew exactly what was coming. Sure enough, about ten seconds later, it started to sprinkle. 

I managed to get the window kind of put back on, but it’s completely broken. It will be another 500€ or more to replace it. So what did I do? I closed the exterior blinds, sealed the window as best I could, grabbed some garbage bags and duct tape, and made a temporary fix to stop the water coming in. 

Honest to Goddess, I don’t know how we’re gonna get through March. I just mean with the astrology of this month, after the last few months, I’m just… stick a fork in me, man. I’m fucking done. 

Well, this has been fun. I promised you I’d tell you about the birth of Maleficent, but that’s going to be tomorrow, because I can’t think of any elegant segue and I’m also tired of hearing myself talk. 

Maybe everything will be fine. Maybe it’ll be a steaming pile of dog poop. 

We just never really know, do we.