14. inconvenient

Today I am reckoning with Mars retrograde, and laughing at myself as a conscious alternative to wallowing in self-loathing.

ICYMI, Mars only goes retrograde once every two years, the least frequently of all the planets. Mars is the planet of action, passion, and willpower, so when it performs its infamous reverse motion, we’re forced to slow down and re-evaluate our passions and goals and move through essential self-reflection related to how we invest our energy. It's slow down has one highly noticeable quality - frustrating, inconvenient diversions and delays that show us how our aggression tends to flow. In other words, for most of us, some part of Mars Rx is gonna piss us off and open a portal to feeling useless. By observing what challenges us emotionally, we can get insight into the root of those feelings, and learn how to better support ourselves and communicate what we need and want to others.

So ANYWAY, about that frustration...

Maybe it’s my ADHD brain, time blindness, or challenge with prioritization that is causing my current mess, or maybe it’s Mars (action and motivation) dragging it’s fiery feet as it shuffles backwards in the sky and makes a cranky square to my natal Mercury (mind) - 

Or maybe it’s just that life is inconvenient sometimes - 

But I’m sitting here chewing what feels like leather with a project that I bit off in early November - delivering 30+ customized astrology guides for 2025 - and finding myself woefully behind. 

Woefully in large part because HOW MANY TIMES will it take me to learn the lesson that I am ALWAYS overly optimistic about what I will be able to accomplish in a certain amount of time? 

Time blindness for me is like this: I have 3 hours open in my schedule, and need to run errands. Say I have to go to the grocery store and the post office. I am genuinely confused and anxious, unsure if it’s enough time (spoiler: it totally is). 

It’s ALSO like this: I have 60 days to complete a project. I mindfully block 30 on my calendar, cheerfully and full of faith that it will be enough. Day after day, life throws out banana peels and it slowly dawns on me that I did not take into account the unexpected inconveniences that might befall me. Stress and anxiety build, and I scramble to meet my self-imposed deadlines. Before I know it, they loom over me, the project not complete. Shame ensues. I promise myself I will do it differently next time.

Here’s the nitty gritty: my husband has been sick for over three weeks. A few days ago, his ear infection was so extreme that he went to the hospital, and it turns out he likely has a ruptured eardrum, and will need surgery. He’s normally the primary caregiver for our kids, so I’m now with them (all day every day because it’s winter break) and I’m doing my best to be a superwoman, while internally feeling the mounting stress and shame of not being perfect. The stress grows, and eventually, my body responds - like it did two days ago, when my back went out. Now I am hobbling, cranky, and still trying to do more than I can do in a day.

Here’s the raw truth I need to hear: it’s not that big of a fucking deal. Yes, you struggle with managing your time, and yes, you tend to over-commit and over-promise but you also OVER-DELIVER. You’re also really good at all the things you’re doing. You show the fuck up for your family, love and feed them, and do your best to not let your own stress overflow and create conflict. You show the fuck up for your clients, even when that means telling the truth about your limitations, and the ones who are aligned stick around. Deep down, though you want to be perfect (by your own measure), you also don’t really care that much if people don’t like you. You know that some won’t, and their judgment is just that - theirs. 

So instead of moping around like Mars and dampening my own inner fire, I'll just carry on. The inconvenience of unfortunate, unforeseen obstacles is not an aberration, but a vital part of life. Remain as neutral as possible, as loving as possible, and keep going.