58. future self

The year was 2014, and I was guiding one of my first paddle board yoga teacher training sessions in San Diego, accompanied by my dear friend Shannon Purves. Shannon is a real groovy kitten, one of the most radiant light-beams I’ve ever met, and one heck of a yoga teacher. During this training, she introduced our group to a practice that she called bhavanization. 

Bhavana, if the term is new for you, is a Sanskrit word rooted in yoga philosophy which speaks to a particular quality of feeling. It’s can also be translated as ‘dream,’ 'attitude,' or:

'The ability to call something (anything), into existence because of yogic contemplation and visioning.’

This definition speaks to me, because it reminds me of magic. Starhawk, quoting Dion Fortune, describes magic as the art of changing consciousness at will. 

Are we visioning, thinking, and speaking life into being? I'd venture YES. 

Back to 2014 and the practice of bhavanization. I was curious and open. I was an avid journaler, but I’d never engaged in this specific practice of writing from my future self. “Journaling as-if,” we could say. The idea was simple: Sit in meditation, focused on breath, and clear the mind by coming into the present moment of the senses. Allow awareness to travel to positive felt-sense memories, connecting with the essence of joy, satisfaction, love, peace, or contentment. From that point of focus, extend your vision into the future, and begin to observe details of some future point - vivid, sensory details, the most detailed picture possible of what is present there. After spending a few minutes in this future-life observation, come out of the meditation and free write in positive present tense, everything you observed. Then put it away, live your life, and see what happens. 

It’s not hyperbole to say this practice changed my life - not just once, or twice, but again, and again, and again. I began to create entries in my personal journaling with an “M” circled at the top (for manifesting) and then just write from a point anywhere from a few months to a few years in the future. And as time passed, I’d go back, reread my journals, and be shook by the accuracy of what transpired. 

Something interesting unfolded as I began to trust in the power of this prophetic journaling practice… I started to develop a relationship with my future self. What I mean is, I realized that Self of Today was often living the hopes, dreams, and longings of Self of Yesterday. If that were true, and seemingly reliable, then it stood to reason that Self of Tomorrow (aka Future Self) would very likely be living out the yearnings and intentions of Self of Today. 

So I started to trust in Future Self, specifically insofar as Self of Today did not have to have everything figured out, but could lean into the knowing that Future Self had some wisdom, experiences, miraculous encounters, and magical synchronicities of which Self of Today could not yet conceive - and that was okay. 

I also started deepening in gratitude for Self of Yesterday (we can call her Past Self, or more accurately, Past Selves, because there have been many versions), who was not only willing to dream big dreams, but to take the first step on many unknown staircases which led to the beauty of the present moment. 

Now, a decade later, I have quite congenial relationships with Past Selves and Future Self, and I’m pretty content with Self of Today, too. I’ve learned that my job as Self of Today is to appreciate Past Selves for doing the best they could with what they knew (so I don’t need to look back on them with shame or regret), and to trust Future Self that she’s also very capable of handling what is to come (so I can chill a little bit with the worrying and anxiety). When I am in right relationship with both of them, it frees me - Self of Today - to trust my vision, set clear intentions, make space for my desire, and know that we’re all going to figure it out together - with the powers beyond time also in our weaving. 

About two years ago, I wrote a bhavanization, a future-self-journaling entry, at a point when I was feeling pretty low in my work life, bad about my body, burned out in parenting (and distant in my marriage), and mostly unsure that I’d ever be able to figure out how to buy a home and create a more stable and steady life for our kids here in Portugal. 

I remember when I wrote it, because the vision was so clear. I could see the details of the home I was calling in for us, especially the whitewashed walls, vibrant plant life, hardwood floors and natural light. Beyond seeing, I could feel so strongly the sense of immense gratitude and relief that was present in me as I puttered around our home. In this vision, I saw myself laying on the floor and just laughing and laughing. 

I wrote the journal entry on March 27, 2023. One year ago at this time (February 11, 2024), we’d decided to forge ahead with trying to buy a home here in Portugal, despite the odds seemingly stacked against us (not enough cash for down payment, unsure if we’d qualify for a mortgage, paying an ungodly amount each month for rent, struggling to save, etc.) But something shifted - I can’t say what exactly - and once we took action in the direction of our desire, the universe started to align things in our favor. 

On April 30, 2024, we closed escrow on our first home.

Tonight, I stumbled across that journal entry and was struck by the accuracy of it. Holy manifesting at its finest. If I may, I'd like to share it with you.

***

The original post (regular) and my today notes (italics).

• Safe, clean, spacious, beautiful home in Portugal with fertile soil land to grow food, a fireplace, bathtub, big kitchen sink, hot tub, garden, outdoor space, wood accents, good insulation, close to the beach and somewhere very quiet and peaceful 

• Closed escrow April 30, 2024

• Fully booked coaching practice with full paying clients that provides $15-20k months steadily and in a way that feels good

• Not yet, but it’s coming back. 2024 was lower income than I anticipated. I closed the year around the $100k mark. It’s actually strange to realize that this number now feels low. Enough, to be sure, but with space to grow. So in a way, that’s a good thing. 

• Daily meditation practice that helps me feel connected to myself, conscious awareness and supported by the divine

• Nightly meditation and prayer practice with womb and heart connection, a seated morning practice is still in the works

• Reciprocal relationship with the land, I which I’m practicing giving and receiving, singing and listening, tending and harvesting 

• We’ve planted roses, jasmine, passion flower, orange, olive, lemon and banana trees, rosemary and lavender. I sing to them, and they take care of us.

• Consistent, loving body movement that enables me to feel flexible and strong, and gives my body vital energy for sex, raising our kids and supports functional movement 

• 214 days of daily workouts starting July 14, 2024. I started the same day I started ADHD meds and I think I’ve missed maybe 10 days total. I feel pretty good about that and tbh, the byproduct of working out for my mental health is a bangin' body.

• Easeful relationship with nourishing foods where 80-85% of my choices support optimal nutrition and 100% of choices support pleasure; where coffee and wine are allowed but not required and where my overall health and well being (including hormones) are supported 

• Released alcohol October 8, 2023

• Stopped coffee addiction January 2024 (still enjoy one every now and then)

• Said bye-bye to gluten October 2024

• Let go of sugar without really trying - who even am I?

• Deep intimacy and a feeling of mutual support and appreciation with each other in our marriage, coupled with passion and sexual pleasure beyond what either of us has experienced heretofore

• Yes, and we both still want more sex please. Had our first overnight date in five years recently and it felt like a turning point towards more of this. We’ve worked through a lot of our past communication breakdowns (usually about money) and are in a really loving, solid place.

• Expansive, connective + devotional ceremony experiences with clients who seek them; groundedness in facilitation and a sense of blessing from the mushrooms 

• Words will fail to do this one justice, but lets just say YES. April 2024 and September 2024 Soul Journeys in Portugal, a clear blessing from the land and the Goddess herself (in the form of Spider, Bumblebee, Snake and Rose), and experiences in 1:1 retreats that re-order my understanding of reality and blow my heart wide open in rainbow gratitude for the privilege of doing this soul work.

• Hot tub on big deck or patio

• Working on it - we just received a surprise deposit which could cover the cost! But we are choosing to save the money to renovate the downstairs of our home so we can have a separate unit for family, friends, and short-term rental income.

• Wood burning fireplace 

• Watching it burn now, down to the embers of our nightly fire. It’s the hearth of our home and brings so much life.

• Big backyard with trampoline 

• Check and check. Our yard is spacious, private, and the trampoline is the kids go-to after school energy release. They play on it daily.

• 3 bedrooms + office / studio 

• To a T. 

• Garage / workshop 

• Yes, this too, and this week Brent was down there building his surf racks and playing with his tools and was just so darn happy.

• Insulation or ability to insulate 

• No mold so far and it’s February of a rainy year. We finally installed heating units just today, which also serve as dehumidifiers, and our first two years of Portugal-mold-stress are a thing of the past.

• Garden area for food and veggies

• Area? Yup. Food and veggies? Only if two unripe oranges count, but we’ll plant seeds at equinox and are designing our future food forest.

• Bathtub 

• Does rivers lil tub count? Ok so this one is still a work in progress, but maybe I should have been more specific in the intention.

• Big kitchen sink

• The perfect size… to not fill with dishes. Oh, and we have a working, clean, brand new dishwasher for the first time in our fifteen year relationship. I mean really, how good can life get?

***

I’m sitting here tonight, reaching back through time to Self of Yesterday, who cried as she wrote the initial entry, who put it aside, turned out the light, and held her womb for nightly prayers. She got us here. 

I’m sitting here tonight, stretching my heart towards Self of Tomorrow, who is faithfully fulfilling the dreams I am weaving even now, who is reaching back through time to Self of Today, honoring me for my vision. 

Time is a tricky thing. One version of me (who broke her back in a surfing accident in 2012) decided to live into her conviction that our dreams exist for a reason. Another version started her first company with the tagline ‘set your intention, breathe it to life.’ Every time I’ve heard the voice of God, it has sounded just like my voice, only more clear, resonant, and certain. 

I’m sitting here tonight, marveling at the Self of No-Time, the Self that Goes Beyond What Is Known, the Self of Every Waking Moment… and I’m deciding to just trust that We know where we’re going next. 

But for now, I’ll just be here, Self of Today, watching the dying embers of the fire from my cozy couch, surrounded by plants, yoga mat rolled out on the hardwood (ok vinyl but they look like wood) floors, astounded by the magic of Being.