83. birth of maleficent

I promised the other day that I’d share the story of the birth of Maleficent - how this powerful force of dark feminine energy came to reside within me, or how I came to know Her, and what she has given me in terms of freedom from some of my own fears. 

This vision took place during an EMDR therapy session in which I was working through past trauma related to the sugar baby years, and intrusive thoughts and dreams of someone who had done me great harm. As I re-read it tonight, during a week when I’ve been plagued with different kinds of fears, for different reasons, I realized it was perfect timing for me to remember this vibrant, ever-present, terrifying and beautiful aspect of Self. 

We need our inner Maleficents now more than ever. 

***

I feel anger and rage that this person could steal so much of my energy, time, money...

Could steal so much of my LIFE. 

The anger burns hot inside me and I feel tightness in my chest and throat, burning in my belly that grows hotter as I let myself feel the fury of how much I have given (how much has been taken) by this energy leak, by the threat of this memory, by the insidious attachment that I have struggled to shake. 

I will not fear you any more. 

You will not, may not, can not, take or have ANY more of me. 

The fire in my belly burns and turns into a flame, I shapeshift into a dragon woman, spinning in circles, breathing fire into a ring around me as I spin slowly, then faster, scorching the earth, grass, hills, everything around me, creating a space of protection and safety where no man can enter. I am channeling all my fire into this space, and the spinning brings me into a trance which draws power up from my center and spits it out my mouth. 

A portal opens from where I stand and spin. The air is charged with power and as I keep spinning and breathing fire, a transformation begins. My Maleficent self starts to grow from where my dragon self spins, and she grows larger and taller and more powerful, more embodied, until she’s taller than the nearby trees. As she grows, the image that represents him and this threat to my safety begins to shrink. Like the tragedian of CS Lewis, growing my power simultaneously shrinks his, and he becomes puny, pitiful, a mere inkling of the threat I once perceived.

The sense of power in my body grows as the earth opens, softens, and pulls his tiny body down into her belly. I can feel him continuing to shrink and dissolve as my Maleficent self expands from the heart space, from the belly, feet drawing the power of the earth up into my being. 

Below the surface, he is decomposing, composting, being absorbed by the soil and mycelium, fading, mulching, ceasing to exist in human form. As his meat suit rots and becomes nourishment for the earth, my black dress shimmers and shifts into dark opalescent colors. Purples and blues and magentas and deep greens like aurora borealis, gold and crimson, begin to weave and thread through my dress, and my countenance changes as well. My skin becomes gold and shimmery, shining with the radiance of empowerment and safety. The dress lightens and now streams with the colors of the rainbow. 

Around me, as I transform, so does the earth. What was scorched, dry, charred and black, becomes soft and fertile. A light rain falls, tears of grief and relief, soaking my skin and bringing nourishment to the soil. My giant rainbow self sits down upon the earth, then lays all the way back, feeling, somewhere deep and within me, the threat fading to nothingness. From it, from the depths of the compost, from the wisdom and intelligence of the earth, new seeds begin to sprout and spring forth. From my body and the soil around me, wildflowers begin to bloom. With each breath, as I focus on the Mother, on my Beingness, the flowers grow, grass grows, the hills become green and dotted with bright colors. 

The sun emerges and a giant rainbow spans the sky, matching the colors of my dress. I feel safe. I feel huge. There is a deep groundedness and vast interior spaciousness that is my own blessed self. I am the great mother, the source of all nourishment and safety, and I am holding it all. Everyone who has ever lived sprang forth from me, and everyone who dies returns to my embrace.

There is no power outside of me. I am the ultimate refuge, life giver, and destroyer. 

I have nothing to fear.

As I rest in my giant rainbow-flower-hillside self, drawing on the awareness of the mother, a smaller human version of me rises up from the belly and heart of my hill-self / mother-self. I stand next to my earth body and give gratitude knowing that She is always here, holding it ALL - me, my fears, anger, grief, joy, peace, sorrow, hope, safety, and power. 

I thank her, bless the land, and walk the canyon path back through the eucalyptus to my car. I climb in and drive the winding road back to my house. At my house, I feel a tiny sense of threat - only for a moment - then remember where my power comes from. I am the earth. I reach down, place my hands on the ground, and remember Her. The fear melts away and there is only the knowing of my strength, grace, continuity. 

This is always available to me. At any moment I can touch the earth, lay down, and feel my truest Self emerge. The Great Mother is my own blessed Self. I am nourished and sustained by her body, the earth itself. I can rest. I am grounded, embodied, clear, wise, loving, nourishing, and safe.

Everything and everyone comes from me - who shall I then fear?